It was selfish of me to ask/bring up something before I had a concrete idea of what was scaring me.
My worry isn’t that he is changing into someone I don’t know - my worry is that he is going to realize I am not who God intends him to be with. I know this sounds stupid, even as I type it, I wish it wasn’t a thought I had.
Truth time I guess. My confession, my truth.. Back in May, almost a year ago - when Dalton told me he didn’t love me - I cried. bawled. got mad. cried some more. talked to people. cried. ran. sweated. and cried some more. but more than anything I prayed. I prayed on my knees, standing up, laying down, eyes shut, eyes open. I prayed myself to sleep. I was lost and for the first time since my grandfather died I was losing my faith. I was so confused why God would lead me to Dalton and then have this happen to me, I was worried that I was not good enough, that I had done something wrong, that God was putting this obstacle in my path to make me stronger. I doubted, I struggled, but mostly - as I had learned with my grandfather, prayer is the only way to calm the fears - so I prayed. I prayed that God guide me in the direction I needed to go and even though my faith was low, I think I made the right choice - sticking it out, trusting that the man I had fallen in love with was somewhere beneath the surface.
Looking back - it was hard - it was an obstacle, but we are stronger. I have more faith in our relationship than ever & more than that I have so much hope for our future. I don’t have those silly doubts that if I choose to speak my mind I’m putting our future on the line. I know that I can be myself and I will still be with Dalton the next day. I know this because I know that Dalton is in my future - I know that God put him in my plan to stay.
So the worry I have now, is somewhat ridiculous, but it scares me. I know that God has Dalton in my plan, so that would have to mean that Dalton’s plan would have to include me as well right? So why am I so worried that Dalton’s strengthening relationship with his faith is going to move me out of the picture? I don’t know. I wish I had an answer but I don’t. I am so horribly terrified that Dalton is going to realize he deserves better - that he deserves someone who goes to church every Sunday and prays before every meal. At this point in my life I am not that person - I want to be, but I am not, I have not reached that goal yet. and it scares me.
I am glad he is growing in his faith, I really am - because even though I am not the picture perfect catholic, I know that religion is large part of me and defines a part of me. I know that I can be confident in my decisions because of my faith and I know that my Hope for my future is the reason I am who I am.
Dalton - want to know my last secret? not really a secret but its more of a pillar of my being, and it won’t come as a surprise but I’ll say it anyway. Hope anchors the soul - this became my pillar when I was scared to death I was dying. When my headaches were so bad. I found this and clung to it. It became my mental motto. It became my reason to not make plans but to live in the now. I have hope that the future will work itself out and that I will be happy. I guess I should listen to that now.
I’m sorry for worrying you, Dalton, I was just putting my worry on you. I’ll make it up to you.