Life Happens

So: I have a couple thoughts.

First - I am currently going on zero hours of sleep. I couldn’t get my mind to stop reeling after last night.. I have always been insecure about my body & showing it to someone was one way to gain a little confidence in it - however the feeling of being a whore never went completely away. The fact that he loved me made it more bearable & the fact that I thought we would be together forever made it less dramatic in my mind. However now - that has all changed.  Even though I do get incredibly horny & I crave his touch; I can’t let that rule my physical life anymore - If I expect him to respect me, I need to respect myself.  All those things that we have done should be done between people that truly care and love one another.. not two people that maybe like each other every other day.. He says he is almost positive there is feelings behind it.. well I can’t be giving away free tickets to my body for almosts.. I have worked really hard to get my body to look the way it does & the bottom line is: its my body - I only get one - I’d prefer that it was something my husband and I share one day.
So.. I guess.. I’m not sure.. I keep going back and forth on my feelings about this because - maybe i’m overthinking it - but maybe I just want it to be something special.. I don’t know it makes my head hurt my stomach get all nauseous. I just don’t know.


Second - Listening the guys today makes me realize how much I have grown up. When I first started at the corner 7 years ago I did not talk - I barely even smiled - I was so shy. The guys probably spent an hour swapping their favorite stories of me and laughing their asses off at each other - turns out I make fun of them ALOT. One particularly favorite memory had 6 of the guys crying from laughing so hard and I was just being my shithead self. 

All their memories made me realize something. At first they did not think I would last long because when you work there you have to be able to take shit & they didn’t have the confidence in me that I could - I did not either. But as I became more comfortable with Donna & learned I would be accepted if I spoke my mind - I fit in perfectly and had all the confidence in the world. The guys took a liking to me when my confidence came out and their support for me showed in everything. I had a fan club at volleyball games - half the guys who went had never been inside the Kuemper Gym before.. Its crazy how people are attracted to people with confidence. I need to make this part of me, at all times.

Today at work my co-worker kept talking about how horny she was. She texted her husband and said get home now.. she left work to go have sex.. As gross as I thought it was — I think that I want that someday. I don’t intend on telling anyone I actually do that - but it would hotter than hell to get that text…

“Love Somebody”

I know your insides are feeling so hollow
And it’s a hard pill for you to swallow
But if I fall for you, I’ll never recover
If I fall for you, I’ll never be the same

I really wanna love somebody
I really wanna dance the night away
I know we’re only half way there
But you take me all the way, you take me all the way
I really wanna touch somebody
I think about you every single day
I know we’re only half way there
But you take me all the way, you take me all the way

You’re such a hard act for me to follow
Love me today don’t leave me tomorrow, yeah
But if I fall for you, I’ll never recover
If I fall for you, I’ll never be the same

I really wanna love somebody
I really wanna dance the night away
I know we’re only half way there
But you take me all the way, you take me all the way
I really wanna touch somebody
I think about you every single day
I know we’re only half way there
But you take me all the way, you take me all the way
Oh, oh, oh, oh

I don’t know where to start, I’m just a little lost
I wanna feel like we never gonna ever stop
I don’t know what to do, I’m right in front of you
Asking you to stay, you should stay, stay with me tonight, yeah

I really wanna love somebody
I really wanna dance the night away
I know we’re only half way there
But you take me all the way, you take me all the way
I really wanna touch somebody
I think about you every single day
I know we’re only half way there
But you take me all the way, you take me all the way
Oh, oh, oh, oh

You take me all the way, you take me all the way

My new favorite song. <3 

It’s safe to say I love Maroon 5. I listened to them while I went on my baking expedition. Thanks to my baking high I have not thought about my heart most of the day. Some days are a lot worse than others but I am getting there - I can see the progress. I know I want to be loved but perhaps being wanted sometimes is good enough for me right now. When the day comes that I completely give my heart to someone again I know that I need them to love my flaws, to be patient with me and be amazed by them each and everyday. I’m not looking for love - when it finds me it finds me.

Maybe I like friends because I secretly (not so secretly) want what they have I want the Rachel & Ross relationship. I want to experience the ups & downs. I want a story worth telling.. I want to feel loved - I want to feel wanted - I want a love story.

However - I don’t think God has intended these emotions for me right now - right now I need to find me & what makes me happy. I have lived my whole life doing things to make others happy.

As I sat at graduation today, I thought about who I was 2 years ago & how much I have changed. I also thought about who I want to be in 2 years. I started to think about where I want to be - but I want to be wherever life takes me, I can’t control where I go, just where I risk to go & what opportunities I dare to take.

-In 2 years I hope to have found something I love to do.
-I will continue my friendship with Katie. She is one of my greatest friends and she is often a voice of courage for me when I have no where else to turn. She has calmed me down on countless occasions & I know she is a great thing for me. I hope that I am the same for her.
-I want to remain strong in my faith & continue to pray - not only when I need help but when I count my blessings as well. I often realize I do not count my blessings very often and that is something I want to change.
-I hope to be a more optimistic person. I want more good days and less bad moods. Something that bothers me about myself is how I let others affect my mood so much - I want to be more independent and not let others affect me so much

Always look your best - you never know who you might impress

The grass will always be greener on the other side until you get there and realize what you once had was possibly the best thing ever. Nothing will ever be given to you as its best - you have to work with the situation to make it the best.  If you are given a piece of rock hard dirt - work with it to make it the greenest grass anyone has ever seen - and if you do it right others will wonder how you got so lucky.  Make your hard work look easy & you will have all the happiness you ever need

The thing is: I want to live a life that is unbelievable. When I am 90 years old and my grandkids and great grankids ask me what the stupidest or funniest or best or any adjective thing I ever did was - I want a long ass list to choose from - I want to have a hard time picking just one thing. I want to feel every emotion & get the opportunity to have every experience possible. People aren’t wise from textbooks - they are wise from experience. I want to be so freaking wise -

Listening to my great great uncle Leo (dad’s godfather) talk about his family and my grandparents today and all his memories of them  - that is what I want.. & at the same time - I want to be as proud as he was. When he started to talk about my dad and how he had helped be a father figure to him when my grandpa died - the amount of love & compassion he has towards my dad is unmatchable. & then when he told me my grandparents would be proud of me - I about started to cry.. I often miss my William & Rose and then I kick myself because how in the hell can you miss someone you never knew? Its still hard for me to hear that I am the perfect replication of my grandmother because I have no idea what she was like - however - Today there was an older couple in the corner the same time as Leo and they wanted to pay while we were talking so I excused myself and went to the register.. this older couple are two of my favorite people and send me cards and every day that I have worked they have left me a $5 tip.. so they have given me $100 for basically nothing - so I told them before Doc could pay - that I had this meal & I paid for it and wouldn’t accept their money or a tip. I went back to Leo in hopes of continued stories about Rose.  Turns out Leo had watched the whole thing and was smiling from ear to ear when I got back to the table - he then explained to me that one of Rose’s favorite things to do was surprise the ones she loved with subtle gifts that were often completely unnecessary and just out of the kindness of her heart.. He said she was also stubborn as a mule when someone tried to do the same to her.. I had never heard this and was kind of surprised.. Leo just laughed and said ‘the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree does it, I can see your dad has done the best job raising you.’ I was completely humbled by this comment & really - I don’t think I could get down from this cloud right now 

The conversation and experience I had with Leo today - I felt it, it was a Godsend. I often pray to Rose when I just don’t know what to do.. Last week I prayed every time I thought I was going to cry.. (so a lot a lot) & I have sent a few this week when I am just completely doubting the decision that was made.  When Leo told me that my dad did a good job raising me - I was completely aware of the wink - I know that I was not the easiest child to raise & I know that my grandma has helped guide my life  by being a strong piece of my heart.  My dad always said those we love never leave, they become a piece of your heart forever.. I know that my grandma takes up a big part of my dads heart & my dad takes up a big part of my heart.. by knowing my dad I know my grandma.  After today I can put my ring back on & am a little ashamed of the doubt I had in everything - although I know it was a mistake  I needed to make. I am confident in the choice I made & will continue to work hard on mending my broken heart.

thanks Rosie (:

As hard as it is, remind yourself that somewhere, someone is wanting you just as much as you want them.. somewhere someone’s heart is aching for you just as yours is aching for a little compassion.  A short visit with Jill taught me this today. While the twins and Elise were playing she told me she thought about me a lot.. my picture is still on their mantle and while I have neglected to keep very good touch - she told me that last week (while I was having the worst week of my life) she had felt the need to pray for me. I told her my week wasn’t the best but I had made it through. We talked about camp and how ready I am to go.. just 1 month from today I will be all packed up. The thing I am looking forward to most? Being busy - not being able to be left alone to my thoughts - I am ready to be around people and just surround myself with people. I like my alone time but I’ve had 2 weeks to much of it already.. Its so easy to get down on myself when I don’t have something to distract me.. so the lesson for today is: stay busy and if you can’t, don’t let your mind wander to that dark place that exists back there - it does no good; care about those you love & know that if they love you back they would never hurt you.

Another Day, Another Lesson

Don’t worry about things you can’t change, don’t worry about things you can change - just change them. Worrying - it sucks, so just don’t. Remind yourself whatever happens is going to happen regardless of the thoughts flying around in your head. Remind yourself that God won’t give you anything you can’t handle & learn from the moments, the mistakes, the memories & the heartaches. Don’t let something ruin your day without taking something away from it.  Be passionate; be inspired; be the unique individual you know you can be.. most of all - don’t go searching for yourself, let it find you.